This is me, like it or not

I may have mentioned last month that I have started to notice the anxiety creep into my life. Shortly before Christmas I found myself struggling to stay asleep. I was so exhausted I could fall asleep but I would find myself waking up in the middle of the night unable to resume my slumber. My mind would race, my thoughts were uncontrollable and I found myself thinking about all I had to do. At the time I thought it was the stress of the holidays and making sure everything got done in time. Unfortunately I found that even after I had gotten everything taken care of, the problem didn't subside.

Fortunately, however, a few days after Christmas, Drew and I headed to Florida with our families for a relaxing vacation. While I was there my sleep issues disappeared (for the most part.) We did sit down with our parents one night to discuss the "rank order list." That night we put together a tentative list (except for the programs Drew has yet to visit). Our parents mostly listened to what we had to say and chimed in occasionally to point out things that we didn't realize or make comments based on their life experience. They wouldn't tell us where to rank any of the programs but they did give us some greater insight and made us feel more confident in our draft list (which will change because we still want to give the remaining programs full consideration).

Immediately following our discussion, I felt great; like a weight had been lifted. But then again, later that night, in the early morning hours I found myself wide awake, mind racing. I was wondering if I had made a mistake expressing my thoughts and feelings causing Drew to change or flip flop the order of certain programs. I began to think, what if my feelings cause us to match at the "wrong" program. Or what if we end up at a place and are miserable, all because I was advocating that program over another? I know I do want to be a part of the decision, as this is our life. But I am also horrified of Drew being unhappy in residency, and feeling like my opinions and contributions to the rank list are the reason for his misery. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to handle the pressure associated with helping in his decisions.

When I shared my sleep difficulties with others, someone suggested that I write down all my fears. They said something about writing or communicating your concerns can help both sides process the feelings and possibly help with the sleep problems. I put it off for a while because I guess didn't even know what I was scared of. All I knew was that I was terrified of this whole match thing. Eventually I did sit down and write out all my fears and worries. It made me realize that not only do I have a lot of worries, but also that I have worries about residency in general, and not just about specific programs. It also made me realize that while I have a worry about every program, I also have something I like about every program.

While writing things down has helped the sleep issues there is still an ongoing conflicting battle between by brain and my body. My brain and my heart, know and believe that everything will be just fine, but my body insists on manifesting signs of anxiety. And I hate it. I feel like a crazy woman. I do. It is horribly frustrating for me and those around me. My poor husband doesn't understand it, and feels helpless. I don’t understand either. I’m upset with myself for not being able to better handle these things. In quiet times, when I should be relaxing I find my heart begin to race, and my stomach will be in knots. I am doing all that I can by exercising, praying, and taking deep breaths, but it is still a struggle.

I am hoping by sharing my madness it will either help me accept my fears and worries (and somehow be therapeutic), or it will at least make someone else out there feel a little less crazy because they aren't the only one going through it.

2 months. And now, I am ready for it. I cannot handle the unknown much longer, it is literally wreaking havoc on my body. I realize I may not like what that envelope holds, but at least there will be something to face